Packing up, packing up what-stuff or emotions?

I can't say I'm starting to have these feelings, because I've had these feelings for a long time. Remorse. I have many stories to tell before I can define why I use that word. The feelings have been subdued and overlooked by entertainment and work. But I, again, am in transition and have a sense of nostalgia; packing my belongings and moving on. I have an urge to go into seclusion to reflect on...

everything that reminds me of this change, from going to college in New York City-packing, moving to Vermont-packing, moving to oh-so-many apartments and houses in Vermont-packing. I remember the day I moved to Vermont, that was the first time I drove over the bridge in my car by myself...something I will never forget-anxiety, excitement and strait up fear-which by the way, I moved up to VT to live with my brother's old college roomate; who thought I was older than him and asked me to buy beer one day..."dude-I'm 20" his response "shit really-me too, I thought you were Nick's older sister-darn"! Anyway lets see...getting evicted-packing (the most fun pack I had). We all stored our stuff in a friends barn, cleaned the house after the deadbeat roommates booked town, finding interesting costumes for Johnny to get into and run around the yard to freak the neighbors out one last time. Living in my car and finishing college. Living on floors of tree house cabin miles into the woods.

And moving back to the Cape (with a boy)-packing, moving to Seattle-packing! At that time, the biggest pack I had done!! Moving to Montana-packing...Now that was a scary pack!!! Moving out of my place that I had with said boy-the most nauseating pack of my life that still brings a tear to my eye. I had to do it, I had to and I don't regret it one bit, not sure why it still gets me so emotional-I guess maybe because I had to be very strong and was never sure if I had the willpower! Moving around and around in Big Sky-packing, living in a tent with a man I imagined as one of the most strong willed, benevolent men I have ever met (at the time I only thought that-then I eventually knew that as a fact-I would catch myself off guard looking at him in awe-why did he always surprise me?). Moving to Jackson with this man...the only time I was truly laughing, smiling and crying at the same time!!! Moving out of that house just not happy and finally, finally moving into a place by myself. Having had this time alone in a place to myself has been very reassuring that I don't need anyone-something that has taken over a year to figure out!

And now folks, moving into an amazing, old house in Jackson with four other people-packing!! This house is a one of a kind and will soon be torn down to build condos, so I feel very privileged to have made my mark in it. It is the last old house in the middle of town that has the biggest fenced yard I have seen. Yup, mom, I am living in a basement again!! I promise it's better than the last one!

But back to the point of my reflection, I have had some feelings stir up-as I am sure many have had in these moments of change. Not just the feelings of old times going through transition, but for me, at this moment; it is of recent events in my life. I am in the works of wiping away the guilt, because guilt is an ugly being. But yes I have guilt. No longer do I have the guilt I had carried for the past year but a new guilt. I had a revelation, a moment of clarity when I can't believe I had spent so much time trying to fix something that was broken and meant to stay broken. Why? I am bewildered by my own decisions. Not of the ones that got me here, because I can't express my happiness lately-I feel lucky everyday, I have never felt so complete with myself. I am talking about, well anyone who is reading this and doesn't know, doesn't need to know; the decisions that were arbitrary and illogical that I am ashamed I thought so highly of. The worst part is, many of you out there can say I told you so. This person I had made so many bad decisions on is not worth all the agony I went through, along with a very special person that I cared and still do care very much for. Which brings me to my next feeling-Anger...which I obliterate quickly because that is a morbid and wasteful feeling.

My new guilt that I am breaking down daily piece by piece is of what I put that special person through, never once putting myself in their shoes. I was very selfish-when all the while I truly thought I was being selfless! How can that be? How could I have conceived that I was doing the right thing? I must judge myself-I feel that is the first step to making the right decisions in my life. Not looking back but wouldn't life be effortless if one could stop time, a hiatus, to gather all information and make educated decisions!! ha ha, I feel that the father in Wedding Crasher's says it best, "You have to take the information at hand and make the best decision possible...your whole life will be fine".

Which brings me to another feeling-Reassurance! I am surrounded by so many amazing people out here, two in particular have been a huge comfort to me. The reason being that events that have occured in my life, directions/actions taken mirror thier life stories. I see them as two very strong incredible women, which shows me that I am not alone, I am capable of getting through anything and turning it around. I am thankful for having the opportunity to have met these people out here, I feel I have learned so much about who I really am and what I want...knowing what I want and not being afraid to voice it.

Yes my rant, it is not over, it is never over...but I leave you with this:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". Gilda Radner, 1946-1989

Story Time!

Sorry no pics for this one!

This story I am about to unfold is why I love living here-Yesterday--I worked in the morning, it was a gorgeous day out, so I took off work and walked to my friends house where we proceeded to sit out on her deck (which will soon be my deck come next month) and then go get some food. Walked by one of the sushi places in town and decided $6 rolls were way better than a sandwich at a sub shop. After some rolls and sake with some friends, Kate and I went to the climbing gym. To put it politily...we got it done at the gym!!! We climbed until we physically couldn't climb another route. We head back to town, where I stop into work and finished up some things, mosied on upstairs during my restaurant's happy hour and bumped into some friends. We made plans for tomorrow night and I call it a day at work. Run home (which is a total mess, since I am never there, will be moving out soon and just don't have time!) clean up and meet up with Nick, Kate, Nick and Greg at the Wort in hopes to catch The Game (red sox vs Yankees) but had missed it-still satisfied because the red sox won and Nick and Greg are die hard Yankee fans!!! After eating some food and drinking some margs, Nick, Greg and I decided that an activity would be the best thing to do! But first we went back to their place and I played a game of chess with Nick (which I won-so by luck and help-but I do think I have a nack for the game!) We grab our climbing shoes, all jump on their tricycle head down the road to their friends house that have a woodshed turned boldering room. We had a vision of playing "HORSE" on the boldering wall-climb-add a move-and match it etc. Our pockets filled with beverages, we boot up. The shed was filled with mattresses and couches. The lay out was super creative with roof climbs and all angles with tons of holds. All in all-one of the best nights I have ever had- I had some of the best climbs, filled with determination and coctails!! Around 3:30 am we were torn up and bruised-and just coudn't do anymore!!!!

GOD I LOVE THIS TOWN!

Tonight-celebrating 2 friends birthdays, open mic night where a friend is singing Country Roads for me, and more and more good friends and good times

So I guess you could say, I am a happy kid-all is well in hippieville!!!!

The things you do while waiting for a lift back to your car on the Pass!!!

Top of Glory with the Greg and Nick Waiting and waiting





Today was be a jerk and don't pick up hitch hikers when you drive a truck day!!! I think Greg, Nick and I waited for a 1/2 hour for me to grab a lift to the top of the pass to grab the car!!! In the meantime, we definitely entertained ourselves by doing handstands, building snowmen, having a snowball fight and booing cars that went by with no remorse!!!

Jungle Party

This is all I could legally show!!! Kidding Mom, I am just kidding-just some good old fashioned fun!

Oops, I did it again!!!!

Meet Pika! My new baby girl!!!! ahhhh-yup I did it-Mom, Dad don't freak out, but yes I am a mom again. I am having the breeders keep her until I get back from the Cape in May-but she was born on Valentines Day!!! I am in love! But this time around, I am a single mother and damn proud-not to mention non stop happy!

Pass Lap after Jungle Party!

Greg, Chad, Me and Nick Chad is Rad!
Greg tossing some snowballs
The moon just above this cliff
Nick



Yeah, we are champions! Or should I really give all the credit to Chad? We had a jungle party last night with jungle juice, sangria, jello shots, decorations, balloons and debauchery!!! Today was hot and gorgeous out, so I rallied some of my boyz-Chad, Greg and Nick to hike the pass. Chad gets first place in being awesome-I can only do him justice with his own quote, "I am way more hungover than I had thought when we started hiking!!" Yeah-Chad puked and kept hiking!!! We fully enjoyed the day, hiked up, stopped, did some front flips off of a cornice, kept hiking, snacked and rode some sloppy buttery snow! Greg had fun throwing snowballs at nothing and we all got some solid vitamin D.

The King

Brian and I hiked up Snow King one afternoon since the weather was amazing! Since it was just Snow King-I decided to test my ability on hiking with my tele's. All my turns are earned lately since the mountains closed! Soo worth it!

Dinner Party

Well, this potluck was the most fun ever to host-since we lived balla status because I was house sitting my bosses house!! The run down of guests: Brian, Alissa, Corinne, Kate, Kate, Nick, Susannah, Lizzy, Jenny, Chris, Laura...others not in pic-Nick, Greg and Todd!!!! Such good food, good music, good times!!!!! Yeah for Good Friends~Jackson Hole-yeaha

PHOTO TIME

The first shot is from a photo shoot I did-so I didn't want to over use the photographer's shots-because frankly they aren't mine--enough said, but I wanted to show ya'll a little snip nit. Anyway prior to one of the shoots, we had an amazing inversion on the peak, had to get a couple of shots. The third shot is of Cody peak that I had promised I would get a clear shot of from Valentines day. I did the constriction first lookers right from the major cliff peak, called Four Shadows! The last shot is the photographer and my friend Jenny after some shots in the constrictions above. Yeah for Jackson Hole-I love it here sooooo much. The season is over, but that means lots and lots of hiking in the backcountry!!! More and more to come!

End-o-Season Hikes

Matt, Adrienne, Matt and Me Matt
Adrienne

Did a quick out-o-bounds hike to Four Pines, one of my fav fav OB hikes off of Jackson Hole with some good friends.