Packing up, packing up what-stuff or emotions?

I can't say I'm starting to have these feelings, because I've had these feelings for a long time. Remorse. I have many stories to tell before I can define why I use that word. The feelings have been subdued and overlooked by entertainment and work. But I, again, am in transition and have a sense of nostalgia; packing my belongings and moving on. I have an urge to go into seclusion to reflect on...

everything that reminds me of this change, from going to college in New York City-packing, moving to Vermont-packing, moving to oh-so-many apartments and houses in Vermont-packing. I remember the day I moved to Vermont, that was the first time I drove over the bridge in my car by myself...something I will never forget-anxiety, excitement and strait up fear-which by the way, I moved up to VT to live with my brother's old college roomate; who thought I was older than him and asked me to buy beer one day..."dude-I'm 20" his response "shit really-me too, I thought you were Nick's older sister-darn"! Anyway lets see...getting evicted-packing (the most fun pack I had). We all stored our stuff in a friends barn, cleaned the house after the deadbeat roommates booked town, finding interesting costumes for Johnny to get into and run around the yard to freak the neighbors out one last time. Living in my car and finishing college. Living on floors of tree house cabin miles into the woods.

And moving back to the Cape (with a boy)-packing, moving to Seattle-packing! At that time, the biggest pack I had done!! Moving to Montana-packing...Now that was a scary pack!!! Moving out of my place that I had with said boy-the most nauseating pack of my life that still brings a tear to my eye. I had to do it, I had to and I don't regret it one bit, not sure why it still gets me so emotional-I guess maybe because I had to be very strong and was never sure if I had the willpower! Moving around and around in Big Sky-packing, living in a tent with a man I imagined as one of the most strong willed, benevolent men I have ever met (at the time I only thought that-then I eventually knew that as a fact-I would catch myself off guard looking at him in awe-why did he always surprise me?). Moving to Jackson with this man...the only time I was truly laughing, smiling and crying at the same time!!! Moving out of that house just not happy and finally, finally moving into a place by myself. Having had this time alone in a place to myself has been very reassuring that I don't need anyone-something that has taken over a year to figure out!

And now folks, moving into an amazing, old house in Jackson with four other people-packing!! This house is a one of a kind and will soon be torn down to build condos, so I feel very privileged to have made my mark in it. It is the last old house in the middle of town that has the biggest fenced yard I have seen. Yup, mom, I am living in a basement again!! I promise it's better than the last one!

But back to the point of my reflection, I have had some feelings stir up-as I am sure many have had in these moments of change. Not just the feelings of old times going through transition, but for me, at this moment; it is of recent events in my life. I am in the works of wiping away the guilt, because guilt is an ugly being. But yes I have guilt. No longer do I have the guilt I had carried for the past year but a new guilt. I had a revelation, a moment of clarity when I can't believe I had spent so much time trying to fix something that was broken and meant to stay broken. Why? I am bewildered by my own decisions. Not of the ones that got me here, because I can't express my happiness lately-I feel lucky everyday, I have never felt so complete with myself. I am talking about, well anyone who is reading this and doesn't know, doesn't need to know; the decisions that were arbitrary and illogical that I am ashamed I thought so highly of. The worst part is, many of you out there can say I told you so. This person I had made so many bad decisions on is not worth all the agony I went through, along with a very special person that I cared and still do care very much for. Which brings me to my next feeling-Anger...which I obliterate quickly because that is a morbid and wasteful feeling.

My new guilt that I am breaking down daily piece by piece is of what I put that special person through, never once putting myself in their shoes. I was very selfish-when all the while I truly thought I was being selfless! How can that be? How could I have conceived that I was doing the right thing? I must judge myself-I feel that is the first step to making the right decisions in my life. Not looking back but wouldn't life be effortless if one could stop time, a hiatus, to gather all information and make educated decisions!! ha ha, I feel that the father in Wedding Crasher's says it best, "You have to take the information at hand and make the best decision possible...your whole life will be fine".

Which brings me to another feeling-Reassurance! I am surrounded by so many amazing people out here, two in particular have been a huge comfort to me. The reason being that events that have occured in my life, directions/actions taken mirror thier life stories. I see them as two very strong incredible women, which shows me that I am not alone, I am capable of getting through anything and turning it around. I am thankful for having the opportunity to have met these people out here, I feel I have learned so much about who I really am and what I want...knowing what I want and not being afraid to voice it.

Yes my rant, it is not over, it is never over...but I leave you with this:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". Gilda Radner, 1946-1989